THE BEGINNING OF THE END

All the people around me know me as a brave, strong and independent person. For so many years, I actually thought I am and I can feel it. I know that when I stand in front of people, they will recognize me, my power to speak in front without feeling nervous although deep inside I am. I can fake my emotions to look like a tigress, so brave and confident but what happened to me? I almost feel like a crying baby nowadays. I can't help myself but cry and reminisce my past of who I am two and a half years ago. 

That night, all that I can feel is the eager to bring back what once was mine. What once made me so happy and everyday of my life that is just what I wanted to see. I set aside all my worries, the pain, the time,I just want to get back again to the past and pretend that nothing happened. But the truth slapped me on my face, I hope it is just a dream, a nightmare to be exact but we all know that it is not. With all the words that I have heard that night was unbearable that I can't help myself but cry and breakdown and the words "Huwag kang umiyak hindi nakakaawa, nakakainis." didn't help to make me stop. Perhaps I am so drowned that moment of the feeling that I want to get myself what I want and I just hope I can do something to make it, to make things better but I can't. God knows how much I cry every night before going to sleep and how much ache my chest feels every time I punch it just to breathe again. That night, I know my life will never be the same, it will be miserable I know and no one knows 'till when will it last.

 I hope I never made that decision 3 months ago, perhaps everything right now is okay. Perhaps I never experienced this kind of pain and to torture myself emotionally everyday since that night. Until now, I still can't find the answers to all my questions. I have tried to do so but I always get back to the start, to the same question, "What happened?". You know, that is the hardest thing in life, the type of questions that have an answer but it is so painful, we are not accepting it. Perhaps my family and friends were right, some things are meant to be leave the way we see it and just move on in our lives. But how? How can you move on to the something you preciously love? I mean how can you "unlove" something that you have love before? Our body system may be programmed as it is but our hearts are not. We can't force our heart to stop beating first of all. So how? Maybe time will do its magic. I guess that is what happened to you because for a short period of time, 2 months to be exact, you found your new life. A life without me anymore. How? Again that is my question, how can you refresh yourself as fast as that? Two months is not that long, I am doing school projects that time and you? I never thought that you can do things like that. Perhaps I should congratulate you and give you an award for recovering so fast. 

I never thought that I, or maybe we will end up like this. Unfriended and back to being strangers again. While you are happy with your life now, with your new set of goals and dreams, and new person to love. Here I am, writing something, dedicating a post for you. You know I am not vocal about my feelings. I never write letters to anyone except to my mother. And I never broadcast my feelings as loud as it feels. 

In case you are wondering what I am doing since that night, I am talking to a lot of people especially to my mother about this. And I never thought that I will open things to people once again. Usually, it is only you who knows all my rants about life but because you are not here anymore, I have to find other people to speak my feelings but I don't have a plan of finding another person to use to speak to and make me feel love again. Unlike you, obviously I still can't move myself. I am stuck on the past and tomorrow seems like a dark cave for me.

My dear, to whatever it is that we had, I am so thankful to experience all of the crazy things with you. We have been partners in everything and most of the time in crimes. You know me too well more than myself that sometimes I hate you for being like that because sometimes I want to find the answer all by myself but you will just say it and that is the exact thing that will pop up on my mind after a few hours. We have travelled all the possible places here in Manila and go home exactly at 9 pm or sometimes even earlier because you know I have my curfew. We play with make up all day, swatch lipsticks, curl hair and look hot like those that are in the magazines and you don't care even if we do that on public. We eat, until we can't move and we have empty pockets but that is fine with us as long as we are not hungry anymore. We brought the dogs to events and places exclusively for them and we have the best times of being teenagers. These are just some of the good memories we have made after the past few years. And I still can remember how you would tell me how loud I am at that carinderia. The reason why you noticed me and asked me for my name which I said Marianne. I would never forget how you offer your time so we can go to my mother's office and pick her up and the products we sell and then you will missed the train where you ride to go home so you have to take bus and take another route. We have been the best of friends even if we are in opposite gender. I never thought that my life will be easy and happy with you but look, it is not anymore.  Now I believe wholeheartedly that every people in our lives have an expiration and to make it more sad, we can't see when will it expire. I hope I can remove your expiration date and label it with not available but I can't. Or maybe life have given me the chance to do so but I missed it. 

With all the sad things and the pain I am encountering as of the moment, I would still like to thank you for all the good and bad things. I have learned a lot and I will treasure it everyday. You may not believe it but, I want to say sorry for what I have done to you and I know now the reason why you shut the door to me. This is not what I planned it to be, I am actually planning to make myself better but after a few months, you told me that you have a new person now and that is not me. Maybe I will accept it sooner or later but right now, I still want to find myself. Maybe Jan is right, perhaps you have been hurt so much by me and that is the reason why I can't even see your account. Perhaps you hate me so much and I can't do anything about it anymore. And maybe my mother is right, I am still lucky that we didn't end up together because of the fact that you can replace me with just a short period of time. Perhaps I will never feel the kind of pain you have felt the same as you will never feel my pain too and I never wanted you to feel this kind of misery because it hurts so much I can't even go to school sometimes. We have seen each other, eye to eye for a couple of times after that night, but you don't act as if you don't know me anymore. I don't know how to respond to that but I want to tell you how hard it is to not talk to you. Is this the way we have to end?

I cannot say that my life is better without you but I know that I should stop thinking about you too much. I should now focus to myself more since we are graduating and maybe that is what I really need to do. I am not yet ready to face my tomorrow without thinking of you or even without looking at your pictures and trying to remember you. But I should or else my life will not progress. You are doing your own thing now and so should I. I may not be fully recovered yet since for me, it feels like it just happened few days ago. As much as I like to stick with you and make everything go back to its normal state, only God can do that. And if His plan is not the same with mine, then I should accept it. Maybe someday, I can invite you to my restaurant and talk not about our past but about our present life. I am looking forward to tell you that I have made it and give you a warm smile but for now, I have to end this and stop waiting in front of our window crossing my finger that you will call my name. I have to close the door that is still open for me and you and unlock the door full of opportunities in front of me. It is now time to start my new journey, a beginning of the end that I have shared with you.